I can make it through the rain

I've been very depressed as of late. Actually as of like as long as I can remember. If everything's going ok something happens and like sucks more than it did before. As a result I've started resorting to the "rubber band" snap on the wrist to soothe the "inner pain" which the physical pain of red raw flesh and listening to old Mariah Carey songs. I love those songs. They make me cry.

Thing is it's not school that's got me down even though that's definitely part of it. But TEE was definitely not a factor in my life when I was 11. It's just that I think I know what triggered everything and I can't go back. I just fucking can't. Sometimes I just want to cry, let it all out. But I'm not alone enough. And even though I think I'm just ONE BIG FUCKING CRY FOR ATTENTION and I'm dying to scream out how I FUCKING FEEL I don't. I keep all my emotions suppressed. Hidden. And I don't think that's a good thing. I need to talk to someone. Get it all fucking out. But I've kept it hidden so long that maybe I can't? And even when I drop hints that are so blatantly obvious none of the dumb fucks around me pick them up because they think I'm FUCKING JOKING. And the thing is, who can blame them? I disguise my insecurities as a joke but when the "jokes" I make about my self are agreed upon I feel like screaming, dying, crying.

Anyways, fucking net ban bout to cut me off

Elise